WHY I AM CHOOSING NOT TO BE A MOTHER- I’m pregnant with other possibilities

10/6/21

New Moon Solar Eclipse in Gemini by Francesca Filippa mama of Hunter And Her

I’m gonna do something I haven’t done before and instead of explicitly giving you the astrology themes I’m gonna show you how I’m living the astrology by sharing a personal story of an unexpected awakening I’m going through this eclipse season. For context, eclipses are all about radical and swift shifts in consciousness. The last eclipse in sagittarius was about releasing old belief systems and this new moon solar eclipse in Gemini is about opening our minds to multiple perspectives, potentialities and possibilities.

I study the fucking stars daily and yet nothing could have prepared me for this.

On the last full moon eclipse, I was still in the initial phases of deep reflection and letting go. I was swinging between feelings of heaviness, grief, confusion and relief. All of this continues to shift but I wanted to take you on the journey with me. It’s not an article with stats and figures. Just me sharing my truth.

To quote myself from a fortnight ago when I nearly released this blog:

“This is really hard for me to admit. It has been so hard to admit to myself let alone share it so publicly, partly due to the fact I’m still adjusting to living in this new skin and partly due to fear of judgement from others.”

I have been seeking solace in other women’s blogs on this topic over the last month which has given me a lot of comfort and refreshing insights. I also chose to share it in the last cocoon gathering with my trusted non judgemental community and I feel much more at ease to share more openly after they embraced me so much. I was even shaking a little telling them.

I nearly called the article ‘Why I Don’t Want To Be A Mother’, but having sat with it for longer, I realise that not only am I giving my truth a voice, I am giving my choice a voice.

This is a very empowered choice that I’m yet to feel totally at peace and empowered in. Although there is a feeling of joy i’ve been experiencing this last week and it is all down to a new mindset practice I’ve been embodying.

I am getting there and I now know others want and need to hear this. It hasn’t been easy to own this choice and I’m still sitting with the possibilities it ends and simultaneously opens up for me in terms of future partnership and ways of relating. 

In true Gemini style, my truth is nuanced and layered and full of seeming paradoxes and contradictions. The truth is complex, rarely ever simple or absolute.

No matter how progressive we might think we are. I believe we still live in a society that perpetuates binary, outdated and as Hunter and Her community member and feminist arts and culture writer Issey Scott describes it- ‘arbitrary expectations’ on the roles of women and people with wombs. However, the multifaceted reality is that many women and people with wombs are childless by circumstance and some are childless by choice. Yet these are still fringe narratives.

The majority of responses when I have stated that I don’t want to be a mother are “No… just you wait til that biological clock switches on” and “but you would be a great mother!!” or a taken aback “WHY??" or my personal favourite “Do you think you’ll change your mind?” I have also been met with awkward silences and looks of confusion. 

When I wasn’t fully owning my decision, I found myself either shrinking, doubting my choice or becoming defensive at other’s responses and reactions. They were triggering at first but now I realise it’s because there are not enough of us sharing stories around this alternative choice. I am part of society and I was judging myself for not wanting to be a mother because I was looking at myself through the collective lens instead of trusting my own inner compass. I believe we have been so deeply conditioned to expect that women and people with wombs should be or at least desire to become mothers that anything that flies in the face of that pulls at the threads of the fertility fabric and is seen as taboo or tragic.

I am going to share my journey and close with a contemplation as an invitation to open up the conversation to whoever is reading and resonating with this. I wholeheartedly encourage you to share your own story and I will collate the work to publish on the site named or anonymously. I feel this is an important conversation to continue.

My Journey on being highly maternal yet choosing not to become a mother. 

I am a cis-het fertile, privileged and able-bodied woman so I am going to speak from that reality. With that being said, this is not to exclude an intersectional LGBTQIA lens or those with disabilities that prevent them from being a mother or those with fertility issues or those who don’t have access to contraception. I do not want to invalidate or discount other realities. I am choosing to speak from my own unique experience as that is all I am qualified to do.

I have known for a very very long time, since around 16 that I didn’t want to be a mum. It has been THE MOST confusing journey to fully arrive at this choice nearly 20 years later.

It has felt isolating and I’ve experienced scarcity mentality and feelings of grief and future potential regret, but I’ve always known deep down that having my own children are not my path. 

The reason why this has been confusing is that I’ve always loved children and babies, pregnant women and the idea of being pregnant. 

I have forever been obsessed and fascinated with watching birth programmes and would abandon play time with my childhood friends if they had a new baby sibling to hold.

Straight out of graduating from my Bachelors in Music in 2009, I became a mum and baby music class facilitator and all the mothers and bubs adored me and I them. When I left, some mothers were in tears and gifted me a huge heart decoration to remind me of how much I made them and their children feel loved. My mum was an excellent nursery nurse pretty much her entire career so nurturing and encouraging the younger generation is really in my genes.

When I worked in pubs and restaurants in my 20s I would take baby-holding breaks while everyone else took cigarette breaks. All the customers loved how I was with their kids and I ended up becoming their childminders unofficially when I left hospitality and that job bridged me into teaching yoga. 

When I became a yoga studio manager in 2016, my favourite shift was the post natal  Saturday morning class. The mothers would adore coming as they knew how empathic I was in encouraging them to do their yoga practice even if their babies were unsettled. The mamas would pass them to me as I have always seemed to possess a midas touch in soothing little ones as well as making mums feel seen as individuals in their own right.

A HEAD FUCK, A HARD CHOICE AND A REVELATION 

For a long time this has all been a head fuck. Knowing how good I am with children and how much I love being around them yet not having a desire to mother has been wild to navigate. Maybe it is because of my parent’s really difficult divorce or because I haven’t met the “right” partner. I have reflected on all of this so deeply.

As far back as I can remember, I have been experiencing an inner conflict with my own maternal urges and deep deep need for autonomy and freedom.

I used to be highly codependent and never wanted to spend any time alone, now I absolutely relish regular periods of time in my own company.

Literally it has felt like there are two highly complex and contradicting sides to me. One who wants to mother everyone and everything and the other who longs for deep autonomy and freedom sometimes not seeing anyone for days burrowing away in my creative cave.

And it has came to the point where I feel strongly called to choose. Is it my head choosing or my soul? I don’t think I’m supposed to know. I just know.

I recently had an epiphany that being highly maternal and wanting to be a mother are not mutually exclusive.

I realise I have been so in my feelings instead of using my mind to look at it from a different perspective that I could not see it from another angle.

Being highly maternal and choosing not to be a mother are two stand alone truths that can co-exist. 

Instead of either/or I can be both/and. 

I can possess incredible maternal instincts and choose not to become a mother.

THE HEARTACHE 

The hardest part to cope with for me is the heartache of it all. Especially when people trigger my feelings of grief and regret when they say how great a mother I would be.

I know I would be an amazing mother.

This is the true heart fuck of it all.

In fact I would be the best mother and this brings tears to my eyes as it is a grief to really know and feel this. 

But I can’t make this decision just from my heart. To me, being a mother is a huge life-changing responsibility and has to be a full-bodied yes. To be a mother is the ultimate sacrifice. I respect and I salute mothers because they truly have the hardest, most rewarding, unrecognised work there is.

My capacity for loving children has no boundaries and I know would lose myself. I know I would sacrifice who I am and my freedom and art for a child and that isn’t something I’m willing to give up. I also know that lack of sleep and no alone time is horrendous for my mental health and no child or me deserves that.

This is where it gets even more nuanced.

I’ll never truly fully know if my heart will regret this choice. So my truth is that I know and I don’t know all at the same time.

When I get really still, I know, even though I don’t have the external confirmation from my future self. This is the thing about owning a soul’s truth. It is felt in a way that cannot be known by another. Nobody can ever know my truth more than me.

ANOTHER KIND OF MOTHER 

From someone who used to look to everyone else to feel well, I have gotten exquisitely good at mothering myself. I mother my own heart, I nurture my own inner child’s dreams by never giving up on my music, my activism or my art. I’ve always said my art is my baby.

I’m living my childhood out in my adulthood. My creative purpose brings me so much joy and cell deep radiance. My creative curiosities and gifts bring a huge sense of fulfilment and excitement to the core of my being. 

To me having it all does not involve having a child. When I make a song, hold a workshop, write an article and continue to create and sustain nourishing and loving relationships with my communities and friends I feel so deeply content.

To me having it all is to have the gift of headspace. A mother will never stop worrying about her child. I’m in my mid 30s and my mum still says this.

Reading some women’s stories who have chosen to be childfree and arrived at their choice with joy is inspiring. It makes me feel hopeful that one day I can find RADICAL joy in my choice. As I said, there have been moments recently and it has been highly uplifting to my spirit.

As I keep sharing the layers of my story with the intimate HH community and they share theirs, I feel so deeply supported in rewriting my mother story that has been fraught with indecision and fear of judgement. It feels empowering to give myself permission to take an unconventional stance and I feel lighter. Like I’m giving the weight of a narrative back that was never mine to begin with.

They say you live into your art. I truly believe this.

Point 16 and 17 of the Hunter And Her Humanity-festo reads

“There are unique truths and universal truths and multiple truths and opposing truths.

All truths can co-exist and seeking and speaking and standing for the unique and universal truths is how we evolve.”

I am a writer and I want to create social change with what I write.

I like to write bold truth and in doing that continually have to face my own truth. I wasn’t brought up in an environment that encouraged independent thought or speaking your mind so it feels like my adulthood is a total rewrite of having my thoughts and beliefs silenced. It used to feel like rebellion. Now it feels like what it is-truth telling. 

I AM A MULTIFACETED WOMAN WITH MANY SELVES TO SHARE

I CAN BE HIGHLY MATERNAL AND CHOOSE NOT TO BE A MOTHER

I AM PERPETUALLY PREGNANT WITH INFINITE CREATIVE POSSIBILITIES

I AM AN UNCONVENTIONAL MOTHER

I AM ANOTHER KIND OF MOTHER

I GUIDE PEOPLE TO CONNECT TO MOTHER EARTH AND FIND THEIR OWN INNER MOTHER

I NURTURE MY INNER CHILD’S DREAMS AND IT MAKES ME FEEL ALIVE TO SHOW  OTHERS HOW TO RECONNECT TO THEIRS

I MOTHER COMMUNITIES 

I MOTHER ART AND NEW IDEALS

A COMMUNITY AND COLLECTIVE CONTEMPLATION 

I want to end by sharing the most incredible female perspective from the highly progressive and abstract spoken word track ‘The Practice of Love’ by Jenny Hval and collaborators.

This art speaks for itself. This was recorded pre-covid times so playfully allow for the use of the word ‘virus’. If it was me I would use the word ‘species’ but I love this woman’s provocative perspective on human life. Art makes us think.

“Becoming someone who's in their late 30s that doesn't have a child,

It's like, I have to accept that I'm part of this human ecosystem, um,

But I'm not the princess and I'm not the main character

Because I feel like maybe the main characters are the

People that have kids because they literally keep the virus going.

But, um, I'm like, I thought, maybe I'm the talking tree, or, like,

Maybe I'm the witch, or maybe I'm, I'm the, I'm a,

A supporting character,

And that's a hard thing for my ego to take,

'Cause I wanna be the star of the human story, but I'm not.

I'm like a, I'm the,

I'm someone that is in the background in regards to survival 'cause

I'm not directly supporting survival, I'm just,

I'm supporting it in a very abstract way….”

I invite you to pause and reflect on what parts of this resonated or even triggered you. This definitely spoke to my shadows that I didn’t even know were there.

Will the supporting ones ever get the recognition we deserve?

Probably not until mothers are given equal rights in the workplace, proper maternity pay and affordable childcare.

I believe mothering takes a village and needs the supporting roles of the aunties to help the mamas thrive whilst still being celebrated for their choice in their own right.
I priestessed my best friend Uma’s maiden to mother rite of passage last year, and as her little Imogen turns one this week she messaged me to say “You are such a cool spirit aunt, congratulations on your resolve and taking a high seat as medicine woman and mother of community and all our souls.”

I want to thank my own mother who sacrificed her whole life for me, my younger brother and sister and said she wouldn’t change it. She wholeheartedly supports my choice and this brings so much comfort to my soul.

Gemini is all about progressive ideas and community.

I encourage anyone to step forward and share your story and fill the community chalice with multiple and multifaceted perspectives.

Love a cool AF spirit aunt,

Francesca x